Indian American Wins Miss America, Marks Downfall of Civilization As We Know It

Sparkle, sparkle, BITCHES. (From Abc News)

 

Did you know some Indian chick calling herself “Miss New York” actually got to WIN the holiest and most important competition in this great country?! The MISS AMERICA PAGEANT?!! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO!>>!>!KJSGNDKHSH

Just when you think people are getting a little bit more open-minded, THIS of all things explodes into racist stupidity.

People are genuinely upset an Indian-AMERICAN Nina Davuluri won the Miss America Pageant. Let’s ignore the fact that she had won all the other competitions up until the now so her being *whispers* Indian is not a secret. Or that she was BORN in New York, which makes her a citizen. Or that her dad came here 30yrs ago and is a respected doctor and not Apu from the Kwik E Mart.  This all comes down to one clear fact: She does not look like a stereotypical American.

And I am here to say this: GET. THE FUCK. OVER IT. There are other people who are American that are not just black or white. There are these other people, like Latinos, Asians, Native Americans, and a whole mess of other ethnicities who also live in this country.

Just because she is Indian doesn’t mean she’s Arabic or a Muslim (although her religious freedom is a constitutional right).

Just because she’s  brown doesn’t mean she automatically means she’s foreigner. “OMG, how did an INDIAN win? This is AMERICA.” It’s because there is such a thing as Indian-Americans, douchebag.

9-11 has nothing to do with a fucking beauty contest. Stop trivializing the tragedy of 9-11 because you can’t handle a brown person winning. Also, I’m pretty sure you can’t be a terrorist and a beauty queen. I think that breaks some kind of jihad rule.

 

Here is the moral of the story. As an Asian (other Asian, not Indian), I am proud to see my sub-continental people represents. Let’s not forget that a MOST of the winners of Miss America are white. There has only been 8 African American winners and only 2 Asian winners (the previous one being Miss Hawaii, a Filipina in 2001) in the history of the pageant dating back to 1922. And considering “minorities” will out number the majority, people better start getting used to it. The racial landscape of America is changing, people.

 

Rules to Twerk By.

Don’t Twerk While Stupid. (Thanks Buzzfeed)

I am going to sound like a horribly old fart, but I am OVER this twerking thing.

#1. Twerking isn’t new, it was just called freakin’ or grinding back in the day. Your parents did it before you.
#2. Don’t think that just because you can semi-shake up and down suddenly means you can dance.

And then I saw that gif above and I thought this girl has made several STUPID mistakes. There should be a list of rules for twerking. So I made some. You’re welcome.

1. Don’t twerk on a door or any opening, you idiot. That includes trapdoors and windows. I’m waiting any day now for someone who twerked themselves out a window.
2. Don’t twerk near open flame.
3. Don’t twerk when kids are present. They don’t need to see you making a fool of yourself.
4. Don’t twerk if you can’t even do a proper squat. Remember, knees behind your toes!!
5. Don’t twerk upside down if you can barely dance right side up.
6. Don’t twerk if you don’t have rhythm or can’t find the beat. “Dancing to the beat of your own drum” makes your ass look like it’s having a seizure.
7. Leave twerking to the professionals, ie people with years of experience like strippers and video vixens.

Update: Apparently, this entire thing was a hoax staged by the venerable Jimmy Kimmel. Well played, sir, well played.

RANT: DID YOU KNOW FRUIT ROLL-UPS HAS SUGAR IN THEM?! LIKE A LOTS?!?!?!?!

WARNING: NOT THAT HEALTHY FOR YOU. (Image from Real Fun Food)

As much as I am a people hater, judger and avoider, I try my best to be polite in public. I keep my thoughts and judgements to myself because I know it’s none of my business. But I am fully aware not everyone is like that and some people are completely d!cks. Some people including the man who thought it was necessary to approach and inform me that my fruit snacks in my cart are full of sugar.

Let me set this situation up for you. It’s a Friday afternoon, I am standing in the snack aisle literally buying 5 boxes of Gushers, Fruit Roll-Ups and Fruit by the Foot. I’m looking at the boxes one by one to make sure I am getting the ones for sale (a MUST BUY 5 sale). Random dude stops to inform me “Miss, you do know those fruit snacks have a lot of sugar in them?” I keep looking at my box because if I look him in the eye I might bash his face in with some Gushers. I say “I. KNOW.” and the man leaves only to turn back to check a box on the shelf for me. “Oh, I guess its not that much sugar.” By this time, I am GLARING at him as he turns to walk away.

How have you ever been in a situation where you encounter such WTFness that you have a deer-in-the-headlights moment? That you are seething instead of saying something? And then, when you finally leave or get home or sober up only to get ULTRA MAD when you fully realize what happened?

That’s what is happening to me right now and since I can’t hunt this fucker down and force Fruit by the Foot down his throat, I am going to write him a nice internet letter.

Dear Jackass,

THANK YOU for educating me in the sugar content of the snacks I was buying. I COMPLETELY DID NOT KNOW that these products were not that good for you! I mean, it says “Made with Real Fruit” on the box, you would think they were SUPER DUPER healthy! You must be telepathic because I definitely wasn’t talking out loud about how grateful I am that God made Gushers. You must of read the expression on my face as someone who clearly needed help on their groceries.

I hope you feel like such a hero for rescuing my 27 yr old husband (whom all these snacks were for) from imminent diabetes! I know you must lay awake at night wondering if I was feeding into the obesity epidemic. I assure, you my husband is of appropriate BMI and weight, and by all accounts healthy despite the awful, AWFUL things I buy him. I’m sure you’d have a heart attack knowing I bought him (GASP!) Pringles! Don’t worry, I checked the sugar content.

I have wondered since our encounter what made me worthy of your advice. Was it that I had a cart full of sugary, fatty, processed snacks? All I had in my cart were bottles of laundry detergent, so if anything, you could assume I really loved doing laundry. Was it the way I looked, perchance? Did I look like I needed help? One could understand (although it absoFUCKINGlutely doesn’t make it right or appropriate) if I was horrible obese that I needed to be told what to eat? Except, I’m not. I’m actually underweight according to BMI. So, I still sit here and wonder.

My husband suggested you were possibly trying to talk to me, although I didn’t get that vibe at all. I got the “let me tell you about your stupidity” vibe. IF you were trying to talk to me, let me inform YOU that it was in the worst way possible. You are an IDIOT. Also, before you try hitting on someone maybe check their hand for a ring first, because I was wearing all three of mine.

In conclusion, my white knight of sugar snacks, please go fuck yourself. It is NONE of your business or ANYBODY ELSE’S what I am buying. I can buy 5 or 500 boxes of sugar snacks. Hell, I can buy 500lbs of sugar. IT’S MY AMERICAN RIGHT to eat whatever the fuck I want. And right now, I want some gotdamn Fruit Roll-Ups.

Sincerely,

Fruit Snacks WITH LOTS AND LOTS OF SUGAR girl.

I’m Pretty Sure Karl Lagerfield Just Trolled Kim Kardashian

Does anyone else find it quite suspicious that since Kim’s been out of the spotlight taking care of her baby East South Wild North West, Lamar Odom is suddenly in rehab for a crack addiction? I’m not saying Kris Jenner planned this but….actually that’s exactly what I’m saying.

Okay, getting back on topic here: Kim Kardashian. Specifically, Kim Kardashian photographed by Karl Lagerfeld.

I fully admit, I am no fan of Kim Kardashian or any of the family who famously ruined the letter K. However, being as unbiased as I can be, these pictures are absolutely AWFUL. I think they are meant to be artistically weird, but I think good ole Karl trolled the hell out of Kim K.  I imagine the conversation went like this:

I don’t even know…. (from Celeb Baby Laundry)

Karl Lagerfeld: I have a brilliant idea. How about we smear some jam on you? ALL over you? Let’s make you look like a jam addict!
Kim K: Um..ok. Is that supposed to represent something?
KL: Of course! It represents…um…love. Yes! Love and love of babies because jam has the consistency of baby food so it’s a commentary of your pregnancy!!
KK: I can totally see it! I think…
KL: And we’ll sit you in front of a wall full of pink warts!! I am creating magic here!! I’m thinking for the next shot, TLC pajamas and pink gloves. You know, for the baby.
KK: Pajamas would be comfy…
KL: And you need to slouch. We want you to look as unflattering as possible. You know, as a satire of the media attention on your weight gain!
KK: But doesn’t that make me look even bigger?
KL: I don’t think you understand the MAGIC I’m trying to create here!!!!!

As you can see, I’ve given a lot of thought to do this.  The only reasonable explanation I can come up with is KK did whatever Karl Lagerfeld wanted because, he’s Karl FUCKING Lagerfeld, world renown Chanel designer. As a result, this wtfness has been captured on film for all eternity. I’m already embarrassed for her kid.

Things I’ve learned from TLC’s Extreme Couponing

This is a huge papercut risk. (Don’t try this at home.)

If you’ve read my previous post OR have met me, you know I have a sick fascination for people with sick fascinations. This is why I have a love-hate relationship with TLC. On one hand, their shows look like the result of a late night binge of pizza, alcohol and weed. A cab..that people play games in…to WIN CASH!!! = Cash Cab. What about pregnant women WHO DIDN’T KNOW THEY WERE PREGNANT!! = I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.  Something about a psychic but she’s from LONG ISLAND (The most exotic of the islands)!! = Long Island Medium. 

On the other hand, it makes from really stupid yet riveting tv. I can’t explain it. I don’t even know why I started watching. I just know I’m on my fifth episode in a row of Extreme Couponing.

Extreme Couponing is exactly what it sounds like: people who clip coupons to save on groceries, but on steroids. These people are buying 50+ bottles of deodorant in one trip. They have houses full of items they got for FREE. They are the ones taking 2 hrs and multiple cashiers to check out. However, with every episode there seems to be some common lessons:

1. Spend all of your free time collecting coupons. Go dumpster diving if you need to. Stalk recycling centers. Harass your friends. Sell you first child if it will get you some sweet stacks of coupons.
2. Yell at your husband. DOES HE NOT KNOW HOW SERIOUS THIS IS!? We are talking about 100 bottles of mustard here!!!
3. Turn away any potential house guests, because the extra bedroom is being used by multiple packs of toilet paper. You can also forget about parking the car in the garage because that’s where you store the toothpaste.
4. Expect the checkout computer to crash. Somehow, everyone is so surprised by this yet it happens EVERY TIME.
5. Indoctrinate your kids early. If they can use scissors, they can clip coupons.
6. It’s totally normal to buy an obscene amount of diapers for the baby that you don’t have. I mean, if they are free….
7. Continuously shop as if the world is going to end tomorrow, and you will have to live in your house for the next 3 years. This isn’t so bad except we are assuming that we’ll have electricity…unless these people are extreme couponing themselves some free generators…hmm..

While it is all insanely impressive to get hundreds of dollars worth of groceries for literally pennies, my one thought to this process is “Ain’t nobody got time for that.”

True. Story. I think I’ll stick to my one un-free bottle of hot sauce.

In one episode, one woman said “Anyone who says they put less than 10 hrs of work into this is a liar.” Bitch, I BELIEVE you. I coupon just a tiny, tiny bit and that shit is time-consuming as hell. You have to read the ads, decide which are good deals, cross check with your stockpile coupons as well as the ones you haven’t clipped yet…sheesh. I’m all tired just thinking about it. And you know what? If/When the apocalypse comes and we have only a can of black beans between me and my husband, I’ll just say a lil prayer right before I knock his ass out with said beans.

 

Getting Up Isn’t The Problem, It’s Staying Awake

OMG, an alarm clock grew on my nightstand overnight!

 

Ever since I have started working an adult, 40-hr a week, benefits included, job, I had always done the typical 8 hr day. Recently, I was given the option to do the 10hr days, 4 days a week schedule for the next two months. I could take Friday off and have a three day weekend EVERY WEEK. This was mind blowing to me. My husband, who used to have a 4×10 work week several years ago was practically seething with jealousy. I thought it can’t be that bad. Of course, I’d be at work for 11hrs (1 hr for lunch). I’d also have to get up at 5am, the earliest I’ve ever gotten up for anything. But that Friday would be worth it, right? RIGHT?!

While I am NOT a morning person, I’d rather get up earlier than stay later. Getting up 5am hasn’t been the problem. The problem has been being at work.

1. Getting up at 5am throws off your entire meal plan. When you get up so early, the idea of waiting till noon for lunch is effing ridiculous. On top of that, you are at work all day so you have to bring even more food so you don’t die of starvation. Dinner ends up being around 5 or 6 so you don’t end up going to bed on a full stomach which makes it hard to fall asleep when you want to puke.
2. Getting up early means going to bed early…something I am particularly bad at. While I can get up no problem, I always have problems going to bed. My mom is an insomniac, so maybe staying awake all the time is in my blood. In theory, to get 8hrs of sleep (HA, who does that?!) I’d have to be in bed at 9. I get home at 7, so I have 2 hrs to do whatever and then hop into bed like a grandma. Unfortunately this hasn’t been happening and I spend my days with exhaustion headaches and general crankyness.
3.  Coffee is a drug. As any coffee addict will tell you, there is a point where you become slightly immune to caffeine. If I drink anymore than my usual giant travel mug in the morning, I end up too jittery and wired to go to bed, which makes me need more coffee the next day. Also…that crash. I cannot go through that multiple times a day.
4.  Weekends give you a false sense of security. By Thursday, I’m thinking “OMG I CAN STAY UP PAST 9PM!! I can eat dinner at a normal time!!” which is exactly what happens until you realize past midnight for a regular person isn’t late but for you, its been 20hrs+ of consciousness. Congrats, you are going to pay for it the next day with a sleep hangover.

I’ve only had this schedule for two weeks, and I’m still trying to give myself time to adjust. HOWEVER, I will say it is worth it to get up in the middle of the day Friday to watch Maury while everyone is at work.

You Need To Fail More

(From RealSimple.com)

 

Are you successful? A little too successful? Do you feel like your happiness isn’t sincere enough? 

It’s probably because you aren’t failing enough. Clearly, things are just way too gotdamn easy for you and you aren’t working hard enough. Seriously, get your shit together or else someone who is good at failing is going to be better than you. 

 

Someone Hand Me Some Money Because Apple Turned Me Into a Sex Addict

#FACT. (from http://pointsadhsblog.wordpress.com/)

Cheezits H Crackers. Right now I am facepalming SO HARD, I’m pretty sure I’m going to have to explain a bruise on Monday.

Apparently, some poor innocent THIRTY-SIX YEAR OLD man accidentally misspelled Facebook.com which directed him to the porn site Fuckbook.com  (no, i’m not going to link it, pervs) and THAT mistake, my friends, resulted in the utter collapse of his marriage and life. And because this was done on an Apple computer, clearly it makes perfect sense to go ahead and sue the company because, golly gee, they should of known to put a porn filter automatically on their browser.

Didn’t they know that porn “appealed to his biological sensibilities as a male and lead to an unwanted addiction??” C’mon Apple, this is basic science. If a man sees anything remotely sexy, of COURSE they are going to become obsessed with fucking it. I mean, how could they not? Isn’t that what a penis is for? Poor, desperate Mr. Chris Sevier couldn’t help but lose attraction for his “not 21” wife! Who can blame him when there is virtual poon at a click’s notice?! HE’S ONLY HUMAN, PEOPLE!

Of course, Mr Sevier isn’t only thinking of himself. Adding a porn filter will help “‘mom and pop’ brick and mortar shops” who are struggling to compete with their online counterparts. This move will SAVE the creepy adult porn stores that sit at the end of the street! You know, I was really worried about Mom and Pop. How are they are going to retire when big bad Internet Porn is taking their sticky money?

OR we could totally call Chris Sevier on his utter bullshit. There’s a crazy concept called free will, in which (get this) you can choose to do OR NOT DO something. Whoa, buddy. So if you felt like something is wrong, you can choose to stop. Now, this is an oversimplification of addiction. Let’s say he was a reformed sex addict (it doesn’t say he is but let’s pretend) then I can offer a bit more sympathy. He made a mistake and it triggered old habits. Well, you can still pump the brakes and not something else and go to therapy, talk to your wife, try something. Maybe your marraige will still fail. Regardless, it’s not Apple’s fault because you have no self control and can’t admit that.

Apple didn’t deliver porn stars to your house to seduce you. Just because Apple doesn’t filter doesn’t mean they endorse or are responsible for it. You know what I can get online? LOTS OF AWESOME AND MOST LIKELY ILLEGAL THINGS. Guess how many of those illegally awesome things I own? Zero. Because I have restraint. Because I have common sense. Because I know better than to blame someone else for my own stupid shit. Also, maybe because I don’t have a penis.

My New Job Makes Me Happy and I Don’t Know Who I Am Anymore

(From someecards.com)

After 6 years in the same job right out of college, I finally finally got a real, PERMANENT job.

A job with full benefits including promotion potential.Needless to say, I feel like this is finally the beginning of my career.

While I enjoyed my work at my former employment, I really hated all most of the people I indirectly worked with. They were at least a decade older and therefore, in a totally different stage of life compared to me. While I was prioritizing happy hours, they were watching the stock market. This isn’t a big deal at all, but it really doesn’t make for stimulating conversation. And I suppose, decades of working had made them feel entitled when really (in my opinion) a lot of them needed to stop pretending what they were doing was akin to curing cancer.

I grew fairly irritable and angry at work, to the point where I legitimately contemplated how hard it was to strangle someone with a phone cord and get away with it (answer fairly hard unless your office has a closet or very loose ceiling tile). People just annoyed da fuq out of me. However, ever since I started at my new place, I’m happier. I enjoy my new team. I like my upper management. I am less angry and annoyed at home. And it’s creeping me (the fuck) out.

I always thought of myself as angry, pessimistic, judgmental (um, this entire blog is about unsolicited and undeserved judgement). This was my identity, and I am totally fine with it. But now, this happy shit is making me all confused. Have I always been a happy person, just angry about my situation? Had I turned into a hard, unrelenting lollipop of rage with a gooey center of contentment?   I DON’T KNOW.

Maybe all this inner turmoil is all for naught. It’s been less than month. Maybe I will learn to hate them (I sincerely hope not). Maybe I will learn to be happy at work but still maintain my criticism for the rest of the world. Maybe the next post you will see will be about how much life is awesome and you all should totally live LIFE TO THE FULLEST! Hug someone you love! Buy yourself some flowers! Bask in the sun–oh shit, it’s starting already.

Unnecessary Recaps: True Blood Season 5, Episode 1

Guys, I don’t have cable.

Are you judging me? It’s ok, I judge me too sometimes. The fact is we don’t need cable. There are no shows I’m dying to watch. I generally keep the tv on as background noise. Also, when you marry a gamer, it’s waaay more important to have proper internet than it is to have cable TV.

With that said, the only show that makes me a little sad about my situation is True Blood. Cheezits, I love me some True Blood. I won’t lie, it’s 90% because of Eric (NOT Alexander Skarsgard the actor) and 10% because this show is so fucking ridiculous. Like this-borders-on-stupidity ridiculous not omg-this-is-so-awesome ridiculous. Luckily, I have Netflix (DVD) so I do get to satisfy my craving for Eric True Blood but unfortunately, I am always one season behind. I have no one to discuss the show, mock Bill (he’s so short, they really need to stop making him stand so close to Eric) or yell at Sookie with, so I am posting here.

It’s a lonely life I lead.

I have wrestled with writing this simply because I know no one cares. True fans are watching the current season and if you don’t watch the show at all you have no idea wtf I am talking about. If you are lame like me and just getting to season five now, um SPOILERS AHEAD (duuuuuuuh). But what is a blog if not a place to store your thoughts? I’m just saying. So here is my recap of True Blood Season 5 Episode 1 + 2.

• Tara gets shot yada yada yada becomes a vampire.– Thank Cheezits, I don’t have friends like Sookie and LaFayette. Friends who are like “You know, she really hates vampires. She’s been assaulted, threatened, all around traumatized, but let’s turn her into the monster she hates cuz she’s dead and that makes me sad.” Good job, being dicks.
• Bill and Eric get captured by THE AUTHORITY who apparently is led by Officer Stabler. Who knew SVU and vampires got along?
• Eric makes out with his “sister.” I call bullshit on this, because clearly he doesn’t mean biological sister yet they all keep referencing it. As if I have to point out that you don’t typically doggie style your sister in a shipping container.
• Jesus’s dead body goes missing. You know that shit will come up later.
• Russell Edgington is alive. ERIC YOU ARE A DUMBASS. SERIOUSLY.
• Terry is going cray and Scott Foley is here to help.
• I don’t even know what the deal is with Jason and Jessica. 
• Rev. Newlin wants to bang Jason. Poor Jason. He gets raped by some rednecks, falls in love with a panther woman and is trying so hard to be a good guy but he’s just too pretty for his own good.
• Alcide doesn’t want to be king of the wolves, Sam gets beat up and Luna needs to calm her shit down.