Things I’ve learned from TLC’s Extreme Couponing

This is a huge papercut risk. (Don’t try this at home.)

If you’ve read my previous post OR have met me, you know I have a sick fascination for people with sick fascinations. This is why I have a love-hate relationship with TLC. On one hand, their shows look like the result of a late night binge of pizza, alcohol and weed. A cab..that people play games in…to WIN CASH!!! = Cash Cab. What about pregnant women WHO DIDN’T KNOW THEY WERE PREGNANT!! = I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.  Something about a psychic but she’s from LONG ISLAND (The most exotic of the islands)!! = Long Island Medium. 

On the other hand, it makes from really stupid yet riveting tv. I can’t explain it. I don’t even know why I started watching. I just know I’m on my fifth episode in a row of Extreme Couponing.

Extreme Couponing is exactly what it sounds like: people who clip coupons to save on groceries, but on steroids. These people are buying 50+ bottles of deodorant in one trip. They have houses full of items they got for FREE. They are the ones taking 2 hrs and multiple cashiers to check out. However, with every episode there seems to be some common lessons:

1. Spend all of your free time collecting coupons. Go dumpster diving if you need to. Stalk recycling centers. Harass your friends. Sell you first child if it will get you some sweet stacks of coupons.
2. Yell at your husband. DOES HE NOT KNOW HOW SERIOUS THIS IS!? We are talking about 100 bottles of mustard here!!!
3. Turn away any potential house guests, because the extra bedroom is being used by multiple packs of toilet paper. You can also forget about parking the car in the garage because that’s where you store the toothpaste.
4. Expect the checkout computer to crash. Somehow, everyone is so surprised by this yet it happens EVERY TIME.
5. Indoctrinate your kids early. If they can use scissors, they can clip coupons.
6. It’s totally normal to buy an obscene amount of diapers for the baby that you don’t have. I mean, if they are free….
7. Continuously shop as if the world is going to end tomorrow, and you will have to live in your house for the next 3 years. This isn’t so bad except we are assuming that we’ll have electricity…unless these people are extreme couponing themselves some free generators…hmm..

While it is all insanely impressive to get hundreds of dollars worth of groceries for literally pennies, my one thought to this process is “Ain’t nobody got time for that.”

True. Story. I think I’ll stick to my one un-free bottle of hot sauce.

In one episode, one woman said “Anyone who says they put less than 10 hrs of work into this is a liar.” Bitch, I BELIEVE you. I coupon just a tiny, tiny bit and that shit is time-consuming as hell. You have to read the ads, decide which are good deals, cross check with your stockpile coupons as well as the ones you haven’t clipped yet…sheesh. I’m all tired just thinking about it. And you know what? If/When the apocalypse comes and we have only a can of black beans between me and my husband, I’ll just say a lil prayer right before I knock his ass out with said beans.

 

Getting Up Isn’t The Problem, It’s Staying Awake

OMG, an alarm clock grew on my nightstand overnight!

 

Ever since I have started working an adult, 40-hr a week, benefits included, job, I had always done the typical 8 hr day. Recently, I was given the option to do the 10hr days, 4 days a week schedule for the next two months. I could take Friday off and have a three day weekend EVERY WEEK. This was mind blowing to me. My husband, who used to have a 4×10 work week several years ago was practically seething with jealousy. I thought it can’t be that bad. Of course, I’d be at work for 11hrs (1 hr for lunch). I’d also have to get up at 5am, the earliest I’ve ever gotten up for anything. But that Friday would be worth it, right? RIGHT?!

While I am NOT a morning person, I’d rather get up earlier than stay later. Getting up 5am hasn’t been the problem. The problem has been being at work.

1. Getting up at 5am throws off your entire meal plan. When you get up so early, the idea of waiting till noon for lunch is effing ridiculous. On top of that, you are at work all day so you have to bring even more food so you don’t die of starvation. Dinner ends up being around 5 or 6 so you don’t end up going to bed on a full stomach which makes it hard to fall asleep when you want to puke.
2. Getting up early means going to bed early…something I am particularly bad at. While I can get up no problem, I always have problems going to bed. My mom is an insomniac, so maybe staying awake all the time is in my blood. In theory, to get 8hrs of sleep (HA, who does that?!) I’d have to be in bed at 9. I get home at 7, so I have 2 hrs to do whatever and then hop into bed like a grandma. Unfortunately this hasn’t been happening and I spend my days with exhaustion headaches and general crankyness.
3.  Coffee is a drug. As any coffee addict will tell you, there is a point where you become slightly immune to caffeine. If I drink anymore than my usual giant travel mug in the morning, I end up too jittery and wired to go to bed, which makes me need more coffee the next day. Also…that crash. I cannot go through that multiple times a day.
4.  Weekends give you a false sense of security. By Thursday, I’m thinking “OMG I CAN STAY UP PAST 9PM!! I can eat dinner at a normal time!!” which is exactly what happens until you realize past midnight for a regular person isn’t late but for you, its been 20hrs+ of consciousness. Congrats, you are going to pay for it the next day with a sleep hangover.

I’ve only had this schedule for two weeks, and I’m still trying to give myself time to adjust. HOWEVER, I will say it is worth it to get up in the middle of the day Friday to watch Maury while everyone is at work.

You Need To Fail More

(From RealSimple.com)

 

Are you successful? A little too successful? Do you feel like your happiness isn’t sincere enough? 

It’s probably because you aren’t failing enough. Clearly, things are just way too gotdamn easy for you and you aren’t working hard enough. Seriously, get your shit together or else someone who is good at failing is going to be better than you. 

 

Oh. Hell. No.: An Artist Displays Her Period Blood for the Past Five Years for an Exhibit

This came out of someone’s hooha. (from The Daily Mail)

*BLECCCH* I think I just threw up in my mouth.

From The Daily Mail, Chilean artist Carina Ubeda collected her menses on white cloths for FIVE YEARS then hung them from the ceiling with some apples (that are suppose to represent ovulation) and called it an exhibition.

Ubeda says that she wanted to “mix art with something personal.” DM reports

For five years, Ms Ubeda kept the fabrics in a cushion. ‘I keep things because I always say, “I’ll do something with it.”‘ At first, she tried to make an artist’s book with the cloths, but said that an exhibition made more sense.

My logical self says I sort of get what Ubeda was trying to get at. She was trying to celebrate and destigmatize something that is innately feminine. Congratulations, Kotex is trying to do the same thing with their stupid commercials.

My normal self is going “EEEEEEEEEEEW WTF PERIOD BLOOD?!?!?! Bitch, are you KIDDING ME?!” I don’t hate it because it’s specifically period blood, I hate it because it’s bodily fluids that have been stored and collected for half a decade. That is just gross. The fact that it is bodily fluids that came out your vag makes it so much worse.

I should of prefaced this by saying I am very rarely grossed out by anything. I used to watch graphic surgery documentaries (for fun I might add) while eating. I scroll through subreddit r/wtf on the daily. Gore in general doesn’t phase me. However, something about bodily fluids and the fact that I intimately know all about menstruation (hello, vagina owner here) that makes cringe so hard.

What’s worse are people are trying to sniff the blood:

Fritz Demuth, the Center’s art manager, said that since the exhibition debut on Friday, many spectators have tried to smell the pieces of cloth.

‘But the smell just does not exist, [the cloths] are not filthy,’ she said, adding that to maintain hygiene, disinfectant spray was applied directly to the blood and cloth before going on display.

Oh, you sprayed it with some Purel? That makes it less trifling.

I Don’t Understand Baby Mugging…Probably Because I Have No Soul

I have something for your morning coffee….. (via Buzzfeed)

I will start this post by saying I do not have a child. I do not know the joys of motherhood, the heartwarming feeling of a baby wrapping its hand around my finger or the instant love for something that has burst forth from my vagina.

Therefore, I don’t understand the latest trend of baby-mugging.

If you don’t know, baby mugging is when you take a picture of your baby (/dog/cat/burrito) and it looks like they are in your mug. For some reason unbeknownst to me, it’s supposed to be really cute.

I can understand that baby = cute.

Mug = not cute/normal/meh/wtf am I judging a mug’s cuteness for?

How does Baby + Mug = TOTES ADORBS!!! 😀

Maybe it’s the cynic in me (or the fact I feel nothing for children, but that’s another story), but this looks less adorable and more horrific than anything else.

Why is your kid drowning? Are you a baby eater? Are you about to throw your beverage onto your child? These are the burning questions I have. Or you could explain exactly why this is supposed to be cute, because I JUST DON’T GET IT.

 

Woman Does Breatharianism Diet of Sunlight ONLY, Forgets Most People Call This Starvation

The sun is laughing at your stupidity.

Have you ever woken up one day and said to yourself “Damn, I am TIRED of eating. Food is the BANE OF MY LIFE.” No? It’s probably because you are rational person and also appreciate the flavor of a good cheese(/veggie) burger.

However, this lady in Seattle decided to try out breatharianism, which believes that all the human body only needs solar energy and (maybe) water to survive. She has given up food since May 3rd and plans to go about 4-5 months.

oO. Oo. (This is me giving the stinkeye over the internet.)

First off, let’s call it what it is: starvation. Bitch, you are starving yourself. People around the world already follow this diet and not by choice. There are people in Asia going “I would like something else in my stomach other than air.”

Second, (and this is coming from the science part of me) HUMANS ARE NOT PLANTS. We cannot photosynthesize like them. Now I could get into all the technical and snooze-inducing details about it, but our cells do not turn sunlight into energy like our green friends do. The direct proof of that is that sunlight gives humans skin cancer. Also, we have mouths. You know, to eat shit with.

We can’t lie out in the sun all day and expect to feel full and happy about it. No, we sweat, get dehydrated and turn a bright pink color.

I don’t know why anyone would call even attempt this seeing at least FOUR people have tried it and died even though there are thousands of (supposed) breatharianisms internationally.

My guess? Sunlight is a code word for cookies and water is code for vodka. 

 

Just Calling It Like I See Em.

Look What I found: Pinterest Edition

No thanks, Mr. Lifeguard. I’m totally just waiting for her to save herself.

The Hottest Vodka in The World Exists & I Know What To Get My Enemies for V-Day

Have you ever thought, “I’d really like a liquor that tastes like the Devil’s tears?” Or “maybe I don’t really NEED taste buds.” Or “you know who I hate? My liver.”

Then I have found the vodka for you (really, reddit found it for you!)

Introducing this hell in a bottle:

250,000 Scovilles Naga Chilli Vodka

Naga Chilli is the hottest chilli in the world. Scovilles is the unit of heat used to measure the hotness of peppers. Personally, if I was measuring something like that I’d call it Whatthefucks as in “what the fuck did I just eat.”

“This pepper is 100,000 whathtefucks. I’d like some water please.”

I think that sounds much better.

Anyway, when the manufacturer recommends you to NOT buy this liquor and posts a waiver that says you are aware of the risks associate with it, I think you almost HAVE to buy it. (Did I mention you need wire cutters to open it? That shit is SERIOUS.) It’s like a sign with a button that says “DO NOT TOUCH THIS BUTTON.” You just gotta. 

And while I am not woman enough to buy this $50 bottle of firewater. other people have and even drank it straight. There are multiple accounts of crying, potentially semi-permanent fire aftertaste and insides melting.

Actually, maybe I will buy it and just use it in emergencies and necessary social situations:

• Fill a water gun with it and keep it bedside for intruders. I think it’s much more effective that a real gun, because the bad guys will probably ask me to just kill them after getting shot in the eyes with this.
• Putting it in annoying coworker’s coffees. Just a drop because that’s all you need for chaos. 
• Potty training children.
• See into the future.
• Breathe fire. Literally.

I’m BACK, Bitches.

Obviously, I’ve been missing for a while.

I’m not going to lie….it’s mostly because I’m lazy. BUT I’ve been recently inspired by some wonderfully snarky blogs which awakened my inner sarcasm monster so I’M BACK (for now, until something else distracts me).

If you’ve been here before, you will find all previous posts gone. Well, gone for you, made private for me. One of the reasons is because whenever I restart something I like to start completely new because I’m anal like that. Who wants to come back to a dirt pile? No one. Also, I don’t remember what I’ve written in the past 4 years so instead of searching back, I can just pretend it was an original idea!

Another reason is because I am paranoid and there were some too closely personal details that I don’t want being associated with me. You know, in case I get arrested for murder and the Daily Mail pulls this blog up and starts criticizing my grammar or something. No, thank you.