Unnecessary Recaps: True Blood Season 5, Episode 1

Guys, I don’t have cable.

Are you judging me? It’s ok, I judge me too sometimes. The fact is we don’t need cable. There are no shows I’m dying to watch. I generally keep the tv on as background noise. Also, when you marry a gamer, it’s waaay more important to have proper internet than it is to have cable TV.

With that said, the only show that makes me a little sad about my situation is True Blood. Cheezits, I love me some True Blood. I won’t lie, it’s 90% because of Eric (NOT Alexander Skarsgard the actor) and 10% because this show is so fucking ridiculous. Like this-borders-on-stupidity ridiculous not omg-this-is-so-awesome ridiculous. Luckily, I have Netflix (DVD) so I do get to satisfy my craving for Eric True Blood but unfortunately, I am always one season behind. I have no one to discuss the show, mock Bill (he’s so short, they really need to stop making him stand so close to Eric) or yell at Sookie with, so I am posting here.

It’s a lonely life I lead.

I have wrestled with writing this simply because I know no one cares. True fans are watching the current season and if you don’t watch the show at all you have no idea wtf I am talking about. If you are lame like me and just getting to season five now, um SPOILERS AHEAD (duuuuuuuh). But what is a blog if not a place to store your thoughts? I’m just saying. So here is my recap of True Blood Season 5 Episode 1 + 2.

• Tara gets shot yada yada yada becomes a vampire.– Thank Cheezits, I don’t have friends like Sookie and LaFayette. Friends who are like “You know, she really hates vampires. She’s been assaulted, threatened, all around traumatized, but let’s turn her into the monster she hates cuz she’s dead and that makes me sad.” Good job, being dicks.
• Bill and Eric get captured by THE AUTHORITY who apparently is led by Officer Stabler. Who knew SVU and vampires got along?
• Eric makes out with his “sister.” I call bullshit on this, because clearly he doesn’t mean biological sister yet they all keep referencing it. As if I have to point out that you don’t typically doggie style your sister in a shipping container.
• Jesus’s dead body goes missing. You know that shit will come up later.
• Russell Edgington is alive. ERIC YOU ARE A DUMBASS. SERIOUSLY.
• Terry is going cray and Scott Foley is here to help.
• I don’t even know what the deal is with Jason and Jessica. 
• Rev. Newlin wants to bang Jason. Poor Jason. He gets raped by some rednecks, falls in love with a panther woman and is trying so hard to be a good guy but he’s just too pretty for his own good.
• Alcide doesn’t want to be king of the wolves, Sam gets beat up and Luna needs to calm her shit down.