Indian American Wins Miss America, Marks Downfall of Civilization As We Know It

Sparkle, sparkle, BITCHES. (From Abc News)

 

Did you know some Indian chick calling herself “Miss New York” actually got to WIN the holiest and most important competition in this great country?! The MISS AMERICA PAGEANT?!! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO!>>!>!KJSGNDKHSH

Just when you think people are getting a little bit more open-minded, THIS of all things explodes into racist stupidity.

People are genuinely upset an Indian-AMERICAN Nina Davuluri won the Miss America Pageant. Let’s ignore the fact that she had won all the other competitions up until the now so her being *whispers* Indian is not a secret. Or that she was BORN in New York, which makes her a citizen. Or that her dad came here 30yrs ago and is a respected doctor and not Apu from the Kwik E Mart.  This all comes down to one clear fact: She does not look like a stereotypical American.

And I am here to say this: GET. THE FUCK. OVER IT. There are other people who are American that are not just black or white. There are these other people, like Latinos, Asians, Native Americans, and a whole mess of other ethnicities who also live in this country.

Just because she is Indian doesn’t mean she’s Arabic or a Muslim (although her religious freedom is a constitutional right).

Just because she’s  brown doesn’t mean she automatically means she’s foreigner. “OMG, how did an INDIAN win? This is AMERICA.” It’s because there is such a thing as Indian-Americans, douchebag.

9-11 has nothing to do with a fucking beauty contest. Stop trivializing the tragedy of 9-11 because you can’t handle a brown person winning. Also, I’m pretty sure you can’t be a terrorist and a beauty queen. I think that breaks some kind of jihad rule.

 

Here is the moral of the story. As an Asian (other Asian, not Indian), I am proud to see my sub-continental people represents. Let’s not forget that a MOST of the winners of Miss America are white. There has only been 8 African American winners and only 2 Asian winners (the previous one being Miss Hawaii, a Filipina in 2001) in the history of the pageant dating back to 1922. And considering “minorities” will out number the majority, people better start getting used to it. The racial landscape of America is changing, people.

 

Rules to Twerk By.

Don’t Twerk While Stupid. (Thanks Buzzfeed)

I am going to sound like a horribly old fart, but I am OVER this twerking thing.

#1. Twerking isn’t new, it was just called freakin’ or grinding back in the day. Your parents did it before you.
#2. Don’t think that just because you can semi-shake up and down suddenly means you can dance.

And then I saw that gif above and I thought this girl has made several STUPID mistakes. There should be a list of rules for twerking. So I made some. You’re welcome.

1. Don’t twerk on a door or any opening, you idiot. That includes trapdoors and windows. I’m waiting any day now for someone who twerked themselves out a window.
2. Don’t twerk near open flame.
3. Don’t twerk when kids are present. They don’t need to see you making a fool of yourself.
4. Don’t twerk if you can’t even do a proper squat. Remember, knees behind your toes!!
5. Don’t twerk upside down if you can barely dance right side up.
6. Don’t twerk if you don’t have rhythm or can’t find the beat. “Dancing to the beat of your own drum” makes your ass look like it’s having a seizure.
7. Leave twerking to the professionals, ie people with years of experience like strippers and video vixens.

Update: Apparently, this entire thing was a hoax staged by the venerable Jimmy Kimmel. Well played, sir, well played.

RANT: DID YOU KNOW FRUIT ROLL-UPS HAS SUGAR IN THEM?! LIKE A LOTS?!?!?!?!

WARNING: NOT THAT HEALTHY FOR YOU. (Image from Real Fun Food)

As much as I am a people hater, judger and avoider, I try my best to be polite in public. I keep my thoughts and judgements to myself because I know it’s none of my business. But I am fully aware not everyone is like that and some people are completely d!cks. Some people including the man who thought it was necessary to approach and inform me that my fruit snacks in my cart are full of sugar.

Let me set this situation up for you. It’s a Friday afternoon, I am standing in the snack aisle literally buying 5 boxes of Gushers, Fruit Roll-Ups and Fruit by the Foot. I’m looking at the boxes one by one to make sure I am getting the ones for sale (a MUST BUY 5 sale). Random dude stops to inform me “Miss, you do know those fruit snacks have a lot of sugar in them?” I keep looking at my box because if I look him in the eye I might bash his face in with some Gushers. I say “I. KNOW.” and the man leaves only to turn back to check a box on the shelf for me. “Oh, I guess its not that much sugar.” By this time, I am GLARING at him as he turns to walk away.

How have you ever been in a situation where you encounter such WTFness that you have a deer-in-the-headlights moment? That you are seething instead of saying something? And then, when you finally leave or get home or sober up only to get ULTRA MAD when you fully realize what happened?

That’s what is happening to me right now and since I can’t hunt this fucker down and force Fruit by the Foot down his throat, I am going to write him a nice internet letter.

Dear Jackass,

THANK YOU for educating me in the sugar content of the snacks I was buying. I COMPLETELY DID NOT KNOW that these products were not that good for you! I mean, it says “Made with Real Fruit” on the box, you would think they were SUPER DUPER healthy! You must be telepathic because I definitely wasn’t talking out loud about how grateful I am that God made Gushers. You must of read the expression on my face as someone who clearly needed help on their groceries.

I hope you feel like such a hero for rescuing my 27 yr old husband (whom all these snacks were for) from imminent diabetes! I know you must lay awake at night wondering if I was feeding into the obesity epidemic. I assure, you my husband is of appropriate BMI and weight, and by all accounts healthy despite the awful, AWFUL things I buy him. I’m sure you’d have a heart attack knowing I bought him (GASP!) Pringles! Don’t worry, I checked the sugar content.

I have wondered since our encounter what made me worthy of your advice. Was it that I had a cart full of sugary, fatty, processed snacks? All I had in my cart were bottles of laundry detergent, so if anything, you could assume I really loved doing laundry. Was it the way I looked, perchance? Did I look like I needed help? One could understand (although it absoFUCKINGlutely doesn’t make it right or appropriate) if I was horrible obese that I needed to be told what to eat? Except, I’m not. I’m actually underweight according to BMI. So, I still sit here and wonder.

My husband suggested you were possibly trying to talk to me, although I didn’t get that vibe at all. I got the “let me tell you about your stupidity” vibe. IF you were trying to talk to me, let me inform YOU that it was in the worst way possible. You are an IDIOT. Also, before you try hitting on someone maybe check their hand for a ring first, because I was wearing all three of mine.

In conclusion, my white knight of sugar snacks, please go fuck yourself. It is NONE of your business or ANYBODY ELSE’S what I am buying. I can buy 5 or 500 boxes of sugar snacks. Hell, I can buy 500lbs of sugar. IT’S MY AMERICAN RIGHT to eat whatever the fuck I want. And right now, I want some gotdamn Fruit Roll-Ups.

Sincerely,

Fruit Snacks WITH LOTS AND LOTS OF SUGAR girl.

Someone Hand Me Some Money Because Apple Turned Me Into a Sex Addict

#FACT. (from http://pointsadhsblog.wordpress.com/)

Cheezits H Crackers. Right now I am facepalming SO HARD, I’m pretty sure I’m going to have to explain a bruise on Monday.

Apparently, some poor innocent THIRTY-SIX YEAR OLD man accidentally misspelled Facebook.com which directed him to the porn site Fuckbook.com  (no, i’m not going to link it, pervs) and THAT mistake, my friends, resulted in the utter collapse of his marriage and life. And because this was done on an Apple computer, clearly it makes perfect sense to go ahead and sue the company because, golly gee, they should of known to put a porn filter automatically on their browser.

Didn’t they know that porn “appealed to his biological sensibilities as a male and lead to an unwanted addiction??” C’mon Apple, this is basic science. If a man sees anything remotely sexy, of COURSE they are going to become obsessed with fucking it. I mean, how could they not? Isn’t that what a penis is for? Poor, desperate Mr. Chris Sevier couldn’t help but lose attraction for his “not 21” wife! Who can blame him when there is virtual poon at a click’s notice?! HE’S ONLY HUMAN, PEOPLE!

Of course, Mr Sevier isn’t only thinking of himself. Adding a porn filter will help “‘mom and pop’ brick and mortar shops” who are struggling to compete with their online counterparts. This move will SAVE the creepy adult porn stores that sit at the end of the street! You know, I was really worried about Mom and Pop. How are they are going to retire when big bad Internet Porn is taking their sticky money?

OR we could totally call Chris Sevier on his utter bullshit. There’s a crazy concept called free will, in which (get this) you can choose to do OR NOT DO something. Whoa, buddy. So if you felt like something is wrong, you can choose to stop. Now, this is an oversimplification of addiction. Let’s say he was a reformed sex addict (it doesn’t say he is but let’s pretend) then I can offer a bit more sympathy. He made a mistake and it triggered old habits. Well, you can still pump the brakes and not something else and go to therapy, talk to your wife, try something. Maybe your marraige will still fail. Regardless, it’s not Apple’s fault because you have no self control and can’t admit that.

Apple didn’t deliver porn stars to your house to seduce you. Just because Apple doesn’t filter doesn’t mean they endorse or are responsible for it. You know what I can get online? LOTS OF AWESOME AND MOST LIKELY ILLEGAL THINGS. Guess how many of those illegally awesome things I own? Zero. Because I have restraint. Because I have common sense. Because I know better than to blame someone else for my own stupid shit. Also, maybe because I don’t have a penis.

My New Job Makes Me Happy and I Don’t Know Who I Am Anymore

(From someecards.com)

After 6 years in the same job right out of college, I finally finally got a real, PERMANENT job.

A job with full benefits including promotion potential.Needless to say, I feel like this is finally the beginning of my career.

While I enjoyed my work at my former employment, I really hated all most of the people I indirectly worked with. They were at least a decade older and therefore, in a totally different stage of life compared to me. While I was prioritizing happy hours, they were watching the stock market. This isn’t a big deal at all, but it really doesn’t make for stimulating conversation. And I suppose, decades of working had made them feel entitled when really (in my opinion) a lot of them needed to stop pretending what they were doing was akin to curing cancer.

I grew fairly irritable and angry at work, to the point where I legitimately contemplated how hard it was to strangle someone with a phone cord and get away with it (answer fairly hard unless your office has a closet or very loose ceiling tile). People just annoyed da fuq out of me. However, ever since I started at my new place, I’m happier. I enjoy my new team. I like my upper management. I am less angry and annoyed at home. And it’s creeping me (the fuck) out.

I always thought of myself as angry, pessimistic, judgmental (um, this entire blog is about unsolicited and undeserved judgement). This was my identity, and I am totally fine with it. But now, this happy shit is making me all confused. Have I always been a happy person, just angry about my situation? Had I turned into a hard, unrelenting lollipop of rage with a gooey center of contentment?   I DON’T KNOW.

Maybe all this inner turmoil is all for naught. It’s been less than month. Maybe I will learn to hate them (I sincerely hope not). Maybe I will learn to be happy at work but still maintain my criticism for the rest of the world. Maybe the next post you will see will be about how much life is awesome and you all should totally live LIFE TO THE FULLEST! Hug someone you love! Buy yourself some flowers! Bask in the sun–oh shit, it’s starting already.

Things You’re Suppose to Do Before You Get Knocked Up and Become Boring

One unfortunate side effect of signing up with The Knot is you eventually get annoying emails from The Nest. The Knot’s boring settled older sister.

The latest titbit I got in my inbox was “41 Things to Do Before You Have A Baby.”

Now, I don’t know how The Nest knew I’ve been dealing with a case of babies rabies or how they managed to write such a shitty list, but they managed to do both. Their sagely advice includes wonderful gems like:

• Go to Disneyland and act like kids.– Personally, I feel a bit creepy being surrounded by kid things and kid stuff and mostly kids when I’m there without any kids.
• Invite a friend’s child (or your niece) to spend the night.– WHY WOULD I DO THIS? Am I sadist? Am I in need of birth control?
• Enjoy Saturday afternoon movie marathons–at the movie theater. -Nothing says FUN like staying in a dark, musty room for hours on a Saturday.
• Spend an entire day with each set of your grandparents.- Thank you for reminding me that all my grandparents are dead.
• Wear your most expensive clothing as often as possible.- That would be my wedding dress, and let me tell you, the neighbors look at you really funny if you are mowing the lawn like that.

I read all 41 things and (which by the way, is an awkward number to end with) I am generally  uninspired which meant I had to make my own (partial) list:

• Eat and savor all the baby-unfriendly food groups: Seafood/Rare meats, Refrigerated Goodies, Booze and Caffeine.– I am going to have a rare burger with feta, with a side of sushi washed down with some coffee spiked with vodka.
• Make plenty of horribly inappropriate jokes.- …because it takes years for kids to learn sarcasm and unlearn racism.
• Appreciate the fact that I can throw my shit everywhere.- FACT: Babies are stupid. They pick up and get into everything which doesn’t work for my very messy there-are-kitchen-knives-and-tiny-chokeable-items-everywhere kinda lifestyle.
• Enjoy my pre-baby body.- No matter what size you are, you WILL get bigger. This doesn’t mean go wear some crop tops and bodycon dresses. It means enjoy seeing your feet and being able to bend down, walking without waddling and not being morning sick.

Frankly, I think my list is more realistic.  Take that The Nest.

Epic Meltdown Battles: BIEBER vs. BYNES

At least they both love red beanies.

It seems to me Justin Beiber and Amanda Bynes are having a unspoken race on who can have the most spectacular meltdown.  Who is going to rehab next? Who is going to have the next profanity-laden tweet against “haters?” Whose going to have the next awkward interview on Good Morning America?!?! The suspense is killing me, so let’s see how these two crazies stack up:

Justin “L0ok how grown I am” Beiber

• Still internationally famous
• Only 19, so I have to cut him a little slack. All of us have done plenty of stupid things at 19.
• Tried to smuggle a monkey into Germany. Clearly failed at it.
• Tries to fight everyone, although I’m fairly certain he’s never actually had to resort to fisticuffs. Because, you know, he’s Canadian. Also he’s a scrawny kid screaming behind bodyguards.
• Loves being shirtless for no reason. I’m starting to think he has a personal vendetta against them.

Amanda “What happened to her?!” Bynes (Seriously, what DID happen to her?)

• is 27 which means she should know better.
• Thinks asking people to murder her vagina is a legitimate request.
• Supposedly as a clothing line AND a fragrance coming out. Not sure who wants to smell like a DUI and wigs.
• Possibly dyed her hair a sexy shade of Tampon Red, although claims it was imposter. (PS it’s not Halloween, so I don’t know who would want to dress up as her.)
• Started going downhill after she side-swiped a police car and got arrested for DUI. But it’s totally NOT true.  (WINK)
• Got double cheek piercings because both sides need to match.
• Proclaimed she retired, then sort of didn’t. Who do you think you are, Brett Favre?

Okay, after tallying up all the points, I’m going to say Bynes is going to win this and maybe go all Lohan-esque on us. Bieber, on the other hand, is having some weird teenage angst going on because puberty just does that to you. Even if/when he does go insane in the membrane, he’s young and famous enough where he can recover and grow up a little. Bynes has her… SIGH… clothing line. Seriously, what is with celebrities and clothing lines? There are legit people who went to school for fashion and being (sort of) famous doesn’t make you an expert on what looks good. If Rihanna can’t make it work, what makes you think you can, Amanda?!

I Need Internet for My Marriage to Work

For the past two weeks, I have been living without internet.

As a child of the 90’s, you would think it wouldn’t be a big deal. After all, dial-up was just a small part of our lives back then. Now? INTERNET IS EVERYTHING.

And before you think at least I have a smartphone, yes I do. A smartphone without a data plan, because my phone can run off wifi and in my logic, why pay for data when you almost always near a wifi network?? Obviously this plan doesn’t pan out when your home AND work don’t have a wireless network.

During these two weeks, I had nothing to do. No new books for my kindle, no recipes to try out. No time wasting websites. No workout videos. No gchat. So what did I do? Terrorize my husband.

Although Xbox Live was offline, he still played his games (although he lamented about how his gamer score wasn’t being updated) while I sat there bugging him. Finally, he said “You need to find a hobby, you are getting annoying.” I do have hobbies. Multiple hobbies. It just so happens, all those hobbies run on an internet connection. It was like telling me to find something to do in a blackout.

So during these trying times, I learned some things about myself and life.

• Without internet for a prolonged amount of time, my marriage will probably fail. Either I will go insane with boredom and kill my husband or my husband will be so sick of me he’ll push me down the stairs.
• I don’t know how to create my own recipes at all.
• I go to bed MUCH MUCH MUCH earlier without Reddit to read. 
• Cleaning does not make time go any faster. In fact, fuck cleaning it just makes you bitter about the more interesting things you could be doing.
• If there is a worldwide internet failure, World War III will happen within 10 minutes.
• What the hell did I do in as a kid without internet? I think I read books or watched TV. Did I even have any hobbies? I don’t know. How did I survive?!