Things I’ve learned from TLC’s Extreme Couponing

This is a huge papercut risk. (Don’t try this at home.)

If you’ve read my previous post OR have met me, you know I have a sick fascination for people with sick fascinations. This is why I have a love-hate relationship with TLC. On one hand, their shows look like the result of a late night binge of pizza, alcohol and weed. A cab..that people play games in…to WIN CASH!!! = Cash Cab. What about pregnant women WHO DIDN’T KNOW THEY WERE PREGNANT!! = I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.  Something about a psychic but she’s from LONG ISLAND (The most exotic of the islands)!! = Long Island Medium. 

On the other hand, it makes from really stupid yet riveting tv. I can’t explain it. I don’t even know why I started watching. I just know I’m on my fifth episode in a row of Extreme Couponing.

Extreme Couponing is exactly what it sounds like: people who clip coupons to save on groceries, but on steroids. These people are buying 50+ bottles of deodorant in one trip. They have houses full of items they got for FREE. They are the ones taking 2 hrs and multiple cashiers to check out. However, with every episode there seems to be some common lessons:

1. Spend all of your free time collecting coupons. Go dumpster diving if you need to. Stalk recycling centers. Harass your friends. Sell you first child if it will get you some sweet stacks of coupons.
2. Yell at your husband. DOES HE NOT KNOW HOW SERIOUS THIS IS!? We are talking about 100 bottles of mustard here!!!
3. Turn away any potential house guests, because the extra bedroom is being used by multiple packs of toilet paper. You can also forget about parking the car in the garage because that’s where you store the toothpaste.
4. Expect the checkout computer to crash. Somehow, everyone is so surprised by this yet it happens EVERY TIME.
5. Indoctrinate your kids early. If they can use scissors, they can clip coupons.
6. It’s totally normal to buy an obscene amount of diapers for the baby that you don’t have. I mean, if they are free….
7. Continuously shop as if the world is going to end tomorrow, and you will have to live in your house for the next 3 years. This isn’t so bad except we are assuming that we’ll have electricity…unless these people are extreme couponing themselves some free generators…hmm..

While it is all insanely impressive to get hundreds of dollars worth of groceries for literally pennies, my one thought to this process is “Ain’t nobody got time for that.”

True. Story. I think I’ll stick to my one un-free bottle of hot sauce.

In one episode, one woman said “Anyone who says they put less than 10 hrs of work into this is a liar.” Bitch, I BELIEVE you. I coupon just a tiny, tiny bit and that shit is time-consuming as hell. You have to read the ads, decide which are good deals, cross check with your stockpile coupons as well as the ones you haven’t clipped yet…sheesh. I’m all tired just thinking about it. And you know what? If/When the apocalypse comes and we have only a can of black beans between me and my husband, I’ll just say a lil prayer right before I knock his ass out with said beans.