Oh. Hell. No.: An Artist Displays Her Period Blood for the Past Five Years for an Exhibit

This came out of someone’s hooha. (from The Daily Mail)

*BLECCCH* I think I just threw up in my mouth.

From The Daily Mail, Chilean artist Carina Ubeda collected her menses on white cloths for FIVE YEARS then hung them from the ceiling with some apples (that are suppose to represent ovulation) and called it an exhibition.

Ubeda says that she wanted to “mix art with something personal.” DM reports

For five years, Ms Ubeda kept the fabrics in a cushion. ‘I keep things because I always say, “I’ll do something with it.”‘ At first, she tried to make an artist’s book with the cloths, but said that an exhibition made more sense.

My logical self says I sort of get what Ubeda was trying to get at. She was trying to celebrate and destigmatize something that is innately feminine. Congratulations, Kotex is trying to do the same thing with their stupid commercials.

My normal self is going “EEEEEEEEEEEW WTF PERIOD BLOOD?!?!?! Bitch, are you KIDDING ME?!” I don’t hate it because it’s specifically period blood, I hate it because it’s bodily fluids that have been stored and collected for half a decade. That is just gross. The fact that it is bodily fluids that came out your vag makes it so much worse.

I should of prefaced this by saying I am very rarely grossed out by anything. I used to watch graphic surgery documentaries (for fun I might add) while eating. I scroll through subreddit r/wtf on the daily. Gore in general doesn’t phase me. However, something about bodily fluids and the fact that I intimately know all about menstruation (hello, vagina owner here) that makes cringe so hard.

What’s worse are people are trying to sniff the blood:

Fritz Demuth, the Center’s art manager, said that since the exhibition debut on Friday, many spectators have tried to smell the pieces of cloth.

‘But the smell just does not exist, [the cloths] are not filthy,’ she said, adding that to maintain hygiene, disinfectant spray was applied directly to the blood and cloth before going on display.

Oh, you sprayed it with some Purel? That makes it less trifling.

I Don’t Understand Baby Mugging…Probably Because I Have No Soul

I have something for your morning coffee….. (via Buzzfeed)

I will start this post by saying I do not have a child. I do not know the joys of motherhood, the heartwarming feeling of a baby wrapping its hand around my finger or the instant love for something that has burst forth from my vagina.

Therefore, I don’t understand the latest trend of baby-mugging.

If you don’t know, baby mugging is when you take a picture of your baby (/dog/cat/burrito) and it looks like they are in your mug. For some reason unbeknownst to me, it’s supposed to be really cute.

I can understand that baby = cute.

Mug = not cute/normal/meh/wtf am I judging a mug’s cuteness for?

How does Baby + Mug = TOTES ADORBS!!! 😀

Maybe it’s the cynic in me (or the fact I feel nothing for children, but that’s another story), but this looks less adorable and more horrific than anything else.

Why is your kid drowning? Are you a baby eater? Are you about to throw your beverage onto your child? These are the burning questions I have. Or you could explain exactly why this is supposed to be cute, because I JUST DON’T GET IT.

 

Woman Does Breatharianism Diet of Sunlight ONLY, Forgets Most People Call This Starvation

The sun is laughing at your stupidity.

Have you ever woken up one day and said to yourself “Damn, I am TIRED of eating. Food is the BANE OF MY LIFE.” No? It’s probably because you are rational person and also appreciate the flavor of a good cheese(/veggie) burger.

However, this lady in Seattle decided to try out breatharianism, which believes that all the human body only needs solar energy and (maybe) water to survive. She has given up food since May 3rd and plans to go about 4-5 months.

oO. Oo. (This is me giving the stinkeye over the internet.)

First off, let’s call it what it is: starvation. Bitch, you are starving yourself. People around the world already follow this diet and not by choice. There are people in Asia going “I would like something else in my stomach other than air.”

Second, (and this is coming from the science part of me) HUMANS ARE NOT PLANTS. We cannot photosynthesize like them. Now I could get into all the technical and snooze-inducing details about it, but our cells do not turn sunlight into energy like our green friends do. The direct proof of that is that sunlight gives humans skin cancer. Also, we have mouths. You know, to eat shit with.

We can’t lie out in the sun all day and expect to feel full and happy about it. No, we sweat, get dehydrated and turn a bright pink color.

I don’t know why anyone would call even attempt this seeing at least FOUR people have tried it and died even though there are thousands of (supposed) breatharianisms internationally.

My guess? Sunlight is a code word for cookies and water is code for vodka. 

 

Things You’re Suppose to Do Before You Get Knocked Up and Become Boring

One unfortunate side effect of signing up with The Knot is you eventually get annoying emails from The Nest. The Knot’s boring settled older sister.

The latest titbit I got in my inbox was “41 Things to Do Before You Have A Baby.”

Now, I don’t know how The Nest knew I’ve been dealing with a case of babies rabies or how they managed to write such a shitty list, but they managed to do both. Their sagely advice includes wonderful gems like:

• Go to Disneyland and act like kids.– Personally, I feel a bit creepy being surrounded by kid things and kid stuff and mostly kids when I’m there without any kids.
• Invite a friend’s child (or your niece) to spend the night.– WHY WOULD I DO THIS? Am I sadist? Am I in need of birth control?
• Enjoy Saturday afternoon movie marathons–at the movie theater. -Nothing says FUN like staying in a dark, musty room for hours on a Saturday.
• Spend an entire day with each set of your grandparents.- Thank you for reminding me that all my grandparents are dead.
• Wear your most expensive clothing as often as possible.- That would be my wedding dress, and let me tell you, the neighbors look at you really funny if you are mowing the lawn like that.

I read all 41 things and (which by the way, is an awkward number to end with) I am generally  uninspired which meant I had to make my own (partial) list:

• Eat and savor all the baby-unfriendly food groups: Seafood/Rare meats, Refrigerated Goodies, Booze and Caffeine.– I am going to have a rare burger with feta, with a side of sushi washed down with some coffee spiked with vodka.
• Make plenty of horribly inappropriate jokes.- …because it takes years for kids to learn sarcasm and unlearn racism.
• Appreciate the fact that I can throw my shit everywhere.- FACT: Babies are stupid. They pick up and get into everything which doesn’t work for my very messy there-are-kitchen-knives-and-tiny-chokeable-items-everywhere kinda lifestyle.
• Enjoy my pre-baby body.- No matter what size you are, you WILL get bigger. This doesn’t mean go wear some crop tops and bodycon dresses. It means enjoy seeing your feet and being able to bend down, walking without waddling and not being morning sick.

Frankly, I think my list is more realistic.  Take that The Nest.

My Crazy Obsession Makes Me Terrified of Screwing Up My (Future) Kids

Ok guys, I have to admit I have an addiction.

I LOVE TLC’s My Strange Addiction. Seriously, I love me some crazy OCD people. I love their stories on why they started doing their weird habit, which usually begins with “One day I had the idea to [random insane thing here].” I don’t know who wakes up one day and decides to taste Vick’s vaporub, but that’s just me.

And then I found out about TLC’s newer show My Crazy Obsession, which also made me crazy obsessed. You might be asking yourself, “Aren’t these two the same show?” And I’d say, “SHUT YOUR IGNORANT FACE, THEY ARE ABSOLUTELY NOT.”

From what I understand (after watching almost every episode of each… seriously, I think I have a problem…), My Strange Addiction is more about people who have some kind of undiagnosed OCD. They simply have to eat chalk/sand/tires or get butt injections or do whatever wacky thing they do. And in that sense, I kind of understand what they are coming from. I have my own compulsions (nothing nearly as unusual interesting) so I get it. You know it’s illogical but you just have to do it. My Crazy Obsession is, in my opinion, about crazy people and their lifestyles.

And that show scares me for my future kids. Every other person on the show says they can pinpoint their insanity to some point in their childhood. Examples:

• boy who flew on a PanAm plane turns into the man who is recreating the exact replica of the cabin of the same plane in his garage.
• the girl who was given Barbies by her mother grows up to a woman who not only collects Barbies, but styles her hair and orders custom clothes based on the doll
• the boy who saw a mermaid show and now wants to be a merman
• the girl who is a celebrity stalker because her mother would take her celeb spotting as a child

I’m sure these parents weren’t thinking a simple vacation or gift was going to set their child up for a life of crazy. What if I give my kid sees a rainbow one day then decides they want everything in their life to be multicolored and arc-shaped? What if I take them to the playground then they become obsessed with plastic slides or mulch or rubber flooring!? The freaky possibilities are endless!!  Maybe I’ll just lock them in the house until they are 18, because that won’t damage them to much right? RIGHT?!

Just Calling It Like I See Em.

Look What I found: Pinterest Edition

No thanks, Mr. Lifeguard. I’m totally just waiting for her to save herself.

Epic Meltdown Battles: BIEBER vs. BYNES

At least they both love red beanies.

It seems to me Justin Beiber and Amanda Bynes are having a unspoken race on who can have the most spectacular meltdown.  Who is going to rehab next? Who is going to have the next profanity-laden tweet against “haters?” Whose going to have the next awkward interview on Good Morning America?!?! The suspense is killing me, so let’s see how these two crazies stack up:

Justin “L0ok how grown I am” Beiber

• Still internationally famous
• Only 19, so I have to cut him a little slack. All of us have done plenty of stupid things at 19.
• Tried to smuggle a monkey into Germany. Clearly failed at it.
• Tries to fight everyone, although I’m fairly certain he’s never actually had to resort to fisticuffs. Because, you know, he’s Canadian. Also he’s a scrawny kid screaming behind bodyguards.
• Loves being shirtless for no reason. I’m starting to think he has a personal vendetta against them.

Amanda “What happened to her?!” Bynes (Seriously, what DID happen to her?)

• is 27 which means she should know better.
• Thinks asking people to murder her vagina is a legitimate request.
• Supposedly as a clothing line AND a fragrance coming out. Not sure who wants to smell like a DUI and wigs.
• Possibly dyed her hair a sexy shade of Tampon Red, although claims it was imposter. (PS it’s not Halloween, so I don’t know who would want to dress up as her.)
• Started going downhill after she side-swiped a police car and got arrested for DUI. But it’s totally NOT true.  (WINK)
• Got double cheek piercings because both sides need to match.
• Proclaimed she retired, then sort of didn’t. Who do you think you are, Brett Favre?

Okay, after tallying up all the points, I’m going to say Bynes is going to win this and maybe go all Lohan-esque on us. Bieber, on the other hand, is having some weird teenage angst going on because puberty just does that to you. Even if/when he does go insane in the membrane, he’s young and famous enough where he can recover and grow up a little. Bynes has her… SIGH… clothing line. Seriously, what is with celebrities and clothing lines? There are legit people who went to school for fashion and being (sort of) famous doesn’t make you an expert on what looks good. If Rihanna can’t make it work, what makes you think you can, Amanda?!

Xtina Heard My Prayers, Stops Looking Like a Drag Queen

Thanks, Daily Mail.

Oh, Christina. Your entire career reads like a guide of What Not to Wear.

But FINALLY, she has stopped battling Gwen Stefani for blondest hair paired with red hooker lips (Xtina was going to lose anyway. Gwen has been rocking that look since the 90s.) and put on some make-up that’s actually flattering. 

And she looks great! Look how fresh-faced and not brothel madam-esque she looks!

I Need Internet for My Marriage to Work

For the past two weeks, I have been living without internet.

As a child of the 90’s, you would think it wouldn’t be a big deal. After all, dial-up was just a small part of our lives back then. Now? INTERNET IS EVERYTHING.

And before you think at least I have a smartphone, yes I do. A smartphone without a data plan, because my phone can run off wifi and in my logic, why pay for data when you almost always near a wifi network?? Obviously this plan doesn’t pan out when your home AND work don’t have a wireless network.

During these two weeks, I had nothing to do. No new books for my kindle, no recipes to try out. No time wasting websites. No workout videos. No gchat. So what did I do? Terrorize my husband.

Although Xbox Live was offline, he still played his games (although he lamented about how his gamer score wasn’t being updated) while I sat there bugging him. Finally, he said “You need to find a hobby, you are getting annoying.” I do have hobbies. Multiple hobbies. It just so happens, all those hobbies run on an internet connection. It was like telling me to find something to do in a blackout.

So during these trying times, I learned some things about myself and life.

• Without internet for a prolonged amount of time, my marriage will probably fail. Either I will go insane with boredom and kill my husband or my husband will be so sick of me he’ll push me down the stairs.
• I don’t know how to create my own recipes at all.
• I go to bed MUCH MUCH MUCH earlier without Reddit to read. 
• Cleaning does not make time go any faster. In fact, fuck cleaning it just makes you bitter about the more interesting things you could be doing.
• If there is a worldwide internet failure, World War III will happen within 10 minutes.
• What the hell did I do in as a kid without internet? I think I read books or watched TV. Did I even have any hobbies? I don’t know. How did I survive?!